I often find myself sitting in front of my laptop trying to figure out what todo. My life has been a roller coaster and I'm still on it determined to enjoy myself.  Everything before 25 was fast.  It didn't stop. I remember being into myself but in a selfish way. Even though I volunteered, and helpped feed homeless veterans, I was still stuck in my own head.  After leaving the military I thought I was going to Paris, France for graduate school.  Then came my drinking  habbit and I lost everything.  The time I spent homeless was hard.  I could not understand the basics of life.  Stuff I was raised in, I couldn't figure out how to get on my own.  A job, a car, a home, a partner.  All I wanted to do was drink.  Then I got a miracle that caused me to stop drinking for a year.  I thought I would go back to drinking, but I realized it was causing all the problems.  Today I'm 6 years and 5 months sober.  I've changed.  I'm humble and I have empathy for others (including animals).  I manage my bipolar disorder with sobriety, God, exercise  and taking my medication.  (I have mixed feeling about medications, I'll explain that another time).  Sometimes I see the road up ahead and it is great.  There are so many things I can still do with life at my age.  I'm 47 now and I have a little simple life. When your homeless you learn what you missed most was a home.  I have that now. So even though I can't just jump into the good life, from what I know about life before homelessness and some of the things I learned on the streets.  I try to.  I want my life back, but with out the depression and alcoholism and certainly with out the violence.  Now I just pace myself and take it one day at a time.  I still remember to dream big, But I don't let it take over what I've got now.  I realize that if I want something I have to get it myself, and its ok to want things.  Things that make you happy, not responsibilities! I'm pacing myself on my responsibilities, and still allowing room for things that just make me happy.  Finally I have vision of myself. (around 50 years old).  I've changed my life into a positive one, and I'm growing and thriving. I'm happy.  Then I'll be ready to meet someone and go all the way.  Thanks for reading my blog.  Peace, Daniél
 

May 24, 2026 

Yesterday my pets Laddie, Chris, and Onyx where all in the kitchen at the same time.  All three were laying down and resting.  Chris even rolled over on his back to have his belly up.  I'm fooled though.  If they wanted to they could make a big mess. Poor Chris takes it the most.  Onyx wont leave him alone and Laddie wont leave Onyx alone.  I've decided to get crates. I'm not too happy about, something about it seems mean.  Thats why I'm going to follow the instructions on how to crate your animals when you go to work.  Its supposed to be a safe space for them with enough room for them to move around it.  Its my last resort because I want to keep all three of them. Chris is my little underdog.  He's had a truff life from the beginning.  So he doesn't have to go inside a crate.  Well I have church in an hour so I'll try to blog more later.  Its not likely since I have DBSA group to night.  Peace, Daniél

May 25, 2026

I take vitamins everynight and drink a cup of Golden milk to help me stay healthy and sleep through the night.  About 2 weeks ago I started coughing.  I wasn't that bad at first.  A little headach and soreness in my thought.  Well its been two weeks and I believe its gotten worse.  I'm not tired,  a little achy, and small headach from time to time.  Whats really letting me know I'm sick is this cough. Its hung in there for the last two weeks and its gotten worse.  It feels like there is a lot of mucus in my chest and now when I cough I can taste blood in my trought.  I've had pneumonia before and this feels like that.  Its been a month since I've done my routines.  Both moring and evening are off.  I just walk 3 miles a day and even thats hanging in there.  Now for the last month I have had two change my psych meds four times.  My mind and my body don't know what to do. I question Dr. Sara's approach to medician.  She didn't taper me off of Geadon she just switched it to Latuda and then to resparadon and finally Vaylar.  All in on month.  I know its the meds that are making me sick.  I've exercised and dieted and took my vitamins and tried to sleep consistantly, but I'm still feeling sick.  I've tried explaining this and it feels important, but people don't seem to care.  The medication do make you feel better from horriable problems that need to be taken care of, but they still not only stop you from reaching a trully healthly place in life, the start to make your immunie system weeker and so you get sick.  I don't need some smart ass doctor telling me whats in their research or studies, I know what I feel.  I was in the Army I know what it feels like to be healthy.  I feel like I have to figure it out because my doctors don't seem to care that much.  My PCP has a doctor he works with who I really don't like.  He's fat and lazy and I hate asking him for advise on how to take care of myself.  He avoids really paying attention and giving me what I really need to get well. I have to go on a walk now.  Its the only thing I'm still doing since my med change.  Peace, Daniél

Same day

I feel really stuck.  I'm in a bipolar group on Facebook and I made a post about how professionals say bipolar can be managed with medication and therapy.  What they don't tell you is the side effects and long term side effects could be damaging and permanent.  I mean for 6 months I got up at 5:30 in the morning and did conscious breathing, mobility stretching, and some kind of cardio.  Even some strength training and I lost only 12 maybe 13 pounds.  I was eating with a calorie deficiency and fasting after 8pm.  I did evening routines so I could sleep.  But all the work was tanted with loss. I was suffering from akathisia the whole time.  When my doctor changed my meds (and it wasn't because of akathisa) she caused a manic epasoide. Then she upped the anti- psych med witch caused worse akathisa.  Then she went on to change my medication every week.  Keeping the meds at high dosages the whole time.  She says she trys to keep it to as little medications and as low dosages as possible.  But I ended up on more medication and now I'm take something addicting.  I feel like she doesn't know what she's doing and she just trying anything on me.  She keeps saying we'll see how it goes.  Mean while I'm suffering.  

I'm so sick of greek yogurt with chia seeds.  And I wouldn't be if it was working.  But I exercise and eat right and don't lose a pound because of the medication.  I do conscious breathing and meditation before bed and I still don't get restfull sleep.  And my doctors idea is to take a med that will help me sleep.  Again with borrowing from the future to TRY  to make today work.  I remember being in Miss Fitness America. Hell I remember basic training and being in the best shape of my life.  Now I take a handful of pills hoping that it stops me from mania and depression knowing it won't let me get better anyway.  So it stops mania and depression, some of the side-effects still make you suicidal, the weight gain isn't 5 or 10 unnoticable pounds. Its 50 or 60 pounds that make you have to by a size bigger because your clothes don't fit anymore.  The kind of weight gain the effects yourself esteem.  The kind of weight gain that makes people ask you if your pregnant or someone just flat out says "your thick".  The kind of weight gain thats hard on your bones.  Then theres sleep.  I mean really how are you supposed to take these meds and pratice living a happier healthier life with shit is going wrong.  You go from complaining to complaining and you have a right to.  Do you know what it doese to your mind to think your finally going to live a good life and you've been lied to.  Your trading one demon for another.  Sleep without rest from the medication, so you have to take a new medication to help you sleep. I think the worst  part is you don't have a choice.  You never get to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  See yourself healthy and doing good.  And whats really hard is to keep going.  Deciding to take the meds and get restless sleep and weight gain over mania and depression.  If I'm not mistaken SLEEP IS IMPORTANT!  You want to call me shallow that I talk about weight gain, but 50 pounds that wont come off with regular diet and exercise is not vain.  Something has to give. Something has to be better than this.  How can people call themselves helpping when they know the side effects are pertty much as damaging as the disorders. No you know whats to worst part is? Its that psych doctors and commit you to a psych ward.  If your not "med-compliant" you can be 51/50ed for a psychological evaluation.  And you don't get out of psych-ward until you take the meds.  

I have others things I want to pay attention to in my life.  Like getting my Dads car and overcoming my fear of driving.  So I can try reselling online and making a nice pot of money thats only for me.  Or playing with my pets and teching them how to get along.  Believing in my church more and trying to learn more about God and Jesus Christ.  What they do in my life.  Decorating my apartment, and car when I get it, and planning my 50th birthday with a trip to France.  Not to mention finding a new position so I can keep working at Goodwill.  

May 29, 2026

I really have my hands full with Laddie my new dog.  I have done a really bad job of watching how much I spend to make my apartment stay in my control.  I've finally decided I wont be able to give my Dad $200 for the car this month.  He only wants about $400 more and I can have it so if the money is right I'm going to give it to him. Yesterday I called my Mom for help and she basically used it as a chance to say negative things to me.  I asked her if she thought I should buy everyone a crate and keep everyone crated while I'm at workk.  Her response what that I am not able to take care of a dog and I should have one. This morning with the help of Chat GPT I told her to keep her opinions to herself.  She tried saying, if I call then I should be able to handle what I hear, but I lashed back with, what she said wasn't even connected to what I was asking and just because you have something to say dosen't mean you should say it.  

Today is my friends birthday.His name is Douglas Huff.  I sent him a birthday card in the mail and texted him this morning.  He's one of the people who taught me about being a Mormon.  He's really smart and very kind.  I can't help but thank God for people like Mr. Huff and his wife Mrs. Huff.  They are really good people.  The show me a whole different world and I believe in them.  I believe in the goodness that people can have.  .... I have an appointment. I'll have to continue this later. Peace. 

June 2,2026

My place, my peace

I wake up thinking about blogging.  Between blogging and journaling I barely talk to anybody.  I mean when I go to church and work I talk to people.  But other than my mom I don't really call people and talk to them.  I haven't talked to my mom in about a week.  I called her last week to ask her something and she used the oppertunity to put me down.  Telling me she doesn't think I can do something.  When I started explaing I was fine she started fighting with me that she is a grown woman and she can think and express herself the way she wants.  I just wanted some advise.  So I stopped calling.  I used Chat GPT to tell her how I felt and then cut the connections.  I don't want to blog about my mom.

I have other concerns on my mind.  I'm doing this vlog where I try to turn my negative thoughts into postive ones.  Man is it harder than it sounds.  It is week 7 that I have not done my routine.  Morning or night.  Having a dog changed things a lot.  I have to wake up to take him out and even though he waits until 6:30am (when my alarm goes off) I still walk him and get back in bed.  So there are three parts to this problem I'm having of not keeping my routine.  1. I don't really want to.  I'm like my mom I don't take good care of myself.  So any excuse not to stay in line stops me.  2. I take medications that make me tired and over weight.  There are other side effects that are as bad, hair loss and skin rashes, but being tired and over weight has my attention. 3. I have a new house hold family member.  Laddie seems happy to be with me but not so happy to be here.  He just lays around most of the time staring at the cats or nothing at all.  He sheds a lot! I have to sweep my floor like twice a day.  See for some thats no problem, but I have bipolar (again an excues like my mom does) I want to do what I want to do not whats good for me.  

I think I have to tap out when it comes to money also.  I was living "ghetto fabulous".  With my disablity check and paycheck from Goodwill I had an extra $800 a month to spend on what ever I wanted to.  I started saving the money, but I slowly picked up responsablities and habits that cost money.  I donate  to the humane society, I have apps that I think I need to help with my mental health.  I buy extra before I need it.  Supplies are stocked up. The biggest money waster is I buy things and throw them away. ( I'm talking about food).  Trying to "eat healthy" I've wasted so much food.  I buy things online that look good in there picture but I have no need for it at all.  Again this is a symptom of bipolar.  Mania causing spending spreezs(sp) that break the bank.  This month I am going to be off because I tried to do the right thing.  I went to two of my bill collectors and tried to make early payments.  Well they accepted the payments and proccessed the normal payments.  That threw me like $90 dollars off.  So I have to rearrange so appointments and I can't buy anything extra.

I have today off from work and I don't have anything I really have to do.  I'll try to get back on my routine, but I have to remember its not just that I don't want to do it.  Because of my bipolar meds 1. I'm tired so working out doesn't energize me to become more active and 2 all the work I'm doing is barely making any changes.  I'm not really losing weight and like I said I don't get energized after working out I feel more tired. Its not a problem because I don't want it to be a problem.  So I'll just keep working on it. 

June 2, 2026

So I don't have much of a personal life.  I realize this because all I want to do is sit on facebook and see others show there lives off.  Wait people with busy lives scroll out of control on Facebook to so never mind.  I don't have a busy life. At this time that is good. My psychiatrist has changed my anti -psychotics five times in the last 7 weeks.  All I wanted her to do was pay attention to the medication side-effects and she' gone like super doctor on me and keep changing the meds incase it is causing the side effect.  She's not letting the medication work before she changes it.  So the next time we talk I'm going to ask her to leave the medications alone.  I have to stablize again.  She gave me and low dose of anti psychotic and next week she's uping it again.  The high dosages of anti psychotics is whats causing the akathisia.  She dosen't seem to care and keeps raising the dose.  Between changing the med and uping the dose I'm unraveling a bit.  I don't want to get out of bed or clean my apartment.  I don't want to shower or brush my teeth.  I mean I was doing those things with a smile on my face.  I was on another level.  Waking up and doing conscious breathing and moblitiy stretching then going for a 3 mile walk.  I started reselling online so I don't get board. All that is on hold because I have to get my medications straight (again).  I guess it pisses me off a little bit because I've been diagnosed for over 20 years.  How long does it take to find the right meds.  

I think we got off track.  I am experiencing a side effect from the medication.  I need to lower the dose its that F******** simple.  Where we went with it was my meds have side effects so accept it.  I'm to tired to get up and work out (another side effect) and I have pushed myself and I've only lost about 10lbs. (weight gain is another side effect).  Telling me I have to accept these side effects makes me think she's going to keep the doses high and the akathisia is going to become permanent.  I'm so tired of explaining these things to doctors.  Doctors who do what they want anyway.  I call the shots.  We are staying on a low dose of caplyta and take artaine for the akathisia.  We do this for a few weeks maybe a few months.  Low doses because I'm tired and not losing any weight when I do have the energy to work out.  

I'll be honest I could be doing a better job than I am.  I was trying to get my "therapist" to help me with my routines so I made sure I was being productive and on the right track.  That I'm growing and its good.  But she just up and disappeared.  No reason why and no one to take her place.  I cant just start talking to just anyone anyway.  I was talking to Vanessa for 2 years. It's like HELLO your doing a s**** job of helping people stay stable.  Honestly I don't trust myself to make the plans.  I think about my mom and how she avoids responsablilty and continues to do things that are bad for her.  Like one thing I've done is moved my cell phone closer to my bed.  Not to meditate or do breathing. So I can get on Facebook before I go to bed.  I know its the wrong thing to do. But I'm still doing it.

Something happens between acting like my mom and hearing the doctors say deal with the side effects. I'm not sure what it is.  I think I give up.  I don't want to talk to my mom or any doctors.  I do bad on my own.  My decisions have lead me to mental hospitals and Jails.  How am I supposed to pull a daily routine out of my A** and start growing in life.  I don't want to.  I mean its like mom, doctors and OH thats what it is, its the truth.  That the medications are causing fatigue and stopping the weight from coming off. Its not just the akathisia.  My hair is falling out, my skin itches.  These are the worst ones.  Is it possible to hit reset on your life and start from a beginning.  The meds are causing some really bad side effects and the doctors are telling me I have to deal with them.  So I'm stopping in a different way this time.  Not to stop showering and cleaning or going out side.  I'm stopping exercising and eating right for my health.  I mean WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I feel it.  Inside of me.  Discipline and hope.  A knowing of life before bipolar and living it with confidence and happieness. Its deep inside.  I mean first comes my mom and her bad decision making.  You know when someone goes about doing things their way.  Some people make good choices and some make bad.  Inside, where I feel hope, its like from what I saw growing up on tv.  Its not real.  But as I type it, Discipline, hope confidence, growth. I know thats it.  A a therapist or doctore worth talking to would say YES THATS IT KEEP GOING WITH THOSE THINGS.  The only thing is I've been doing a lot of talking, and I have realized the side effects are not going away.  I had to accept that I was bipolar 21 years ago.  I did take that so well.  Now I'm being told to take the meds it will get me those things I mentioned, but after you figure out how to deal with the side effects.  

Ok. I'm game.  Lets deal with these side-effects.  Lets start with the worst one.  Akathisia.  Its a side effect of the anti - psychotic and it can become permanent.  The suggested way to deal with it is to lower the anti-psychotic and take a medication for it.  (so now I'm taking a medication because of a medication).  This makes me feel like this is one big S*** show and nobody knows what they are doing.  How I'm dealing with it.  I've tried to talk to my psych doctor and she wont lower the anti-psychotic.  She prescribed artaine as needed.  So first I have to get through to my doctor that I want to be on the lowest dose of anti-psychotic as possible.  I don't care if she thinks I'll go manic, if I do then she can raise it back up.  But right now as I am I've managed 7 weeks with out a stable anti-psychotic I think I'll be fine.  I want to get better I'm not playing around.  

Now back to the side effects.  Akathisia can be stopped.  So of course I want the akathisia to stop.  Since people are saying they were able to stop it and not the doctors I feel good about getting it to stop.  Especailly after having it for 6 years.  Next I don't want to change the anti-psychotic.  The one we landed on is caplyta.  I'll research it and study it.  We already know it can cause akathisia if I'm on a high dose to we have to keep the dose low.  That means I have to watch my excitement.  I also have to watch my belief in God or stars and I have to stay grounded some how.  

Ok so another important side effect is fatigue. After reading from Chat GPT I know that I should take most of my meds at bedtime.  I should go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every day.  I should start calming down for bed 60 to 90 minutes before bed. This is going to be a little harder since sometimes I get off at 8:30pm. And of course move my cell phone back into the living room and stop looking at it at about 9pm. No matter what.  Ok thats it thats what I can do about the fatigue side effect.

Now, a big deal, not as big as akathisia but still pretty big.  Weight gain.  I was counting my calories and eating healthier foods and I lost about  10lbs in 3 months.  Now Chat GPT says to keep working out and eating healthy even if the scale doesn't move.  Its better for my health and well being.  This is really hard.  To eat better and work out better.  On hard days  greek yogurt with berries, eggs and toast, Protein shake microwave rice, frozen dinners, Protein bars, nuts string cheese. Cereal with milk PB sandwich.  - Ok the good news is just before I gave up I was doing these things.  I bought dinner food that stays in my calorie range and easy microwave food for days I don't want to cook or have dishes.  The reason I did fatigue first is because it effects weather or not I work out.  Its in my mind to not work out. Not even walk. This might be because of all the med changes.  So give it a real go in about two weeks when I'm used to the caplyta.  Caplyta has lower cases of akathisia.  So right there I'm staying.  But I want the lowest dosage.  I don't care what Dr. Sara says.  Working out should be 3 times a week strength train 3 times a week mobility stretching. walking 6 times a week at least one mile.  When I finish walking try to dance a little bit. So thats it for weight gain as a side effect.  When. I look in the mirror or see skinny girls or want smaller clothes. try to remember "my job is consistency, not speed. My body will respond over time even if it is slow" Chat GPT another one is My job is to build health habits. My body will change at its own pace.. I like that one.  "stability or appearance" my priority is mental stability energy and functioning not fast body changes. my mental health and stability matter more than appearance. ok This is a pretty hard one.  but i've been humbled. i'm not concered with people looking at me and i look thin its about my health that  I am considered obese.  How my legs feel heavy and my stomach hangs over.  Choosing my health over my appearance is hard. I was raised on that I looked good.  but I am humble.  Health is more important..

Now Chat GPT says that hair loss is not a common side effect and it might be from something else.  I want to say its was from the injection. but I stopped the injection and I still have a little hair loss.  its not as bad as it was with the injection but its still falling out.  I don't like using the batana oil it makes my hair a orangeish color and it wont come out.  the batana oil does stop it from falling out and is making it grow.  I'm not buying it again so I gotta look for something else thats not so expensive and it works.  

Well thank you for letting me use my blog to figure out my life.  I feel we are very close now. Please come back again and see how its going.

June 3, 2026

Woke up with a few things on my mind.  I don't want to use my blog to sort it all out like I did yesterday.  Having Laddie is nice.  He seems to have more energy then I'm used to.  He plays with his toys and shakes them pretty hard, plus he's pulled out the insides of one completely.  I don't think I would get up before 9am if he didn't have to use the bathroom.  I enjoy taking him to the bathroom.  For a long time I didn't want a dog because of that very reason, but its nicer than I thought.  I have a set of clothes I just toss on and we go.  I don't even mind having to clean up after him when he poops.  Its just a part of it.  

My morning routine isn't off because now I have to take Laddie to the bathroom first.  Its off because my psych doctor changed my meds so much in such a short time.  It does say for akathisia you can change the medications, but she isn't even giving it time to work.  I don't know how to discribe what I'm feeling.  For one thing the akathisia hasn't gotten better. She doesn't seem concerned with that at all.  She doesn't stay focused on my treatment.  I complained about akathisia and she turned it in to being tired and weight gain.  Like "lets keep changing the meds until those things are exhausted.  I've been dealing with this for 21 years. We are not going through meds like we don't know what works.  Changing the dose is a option that she's is going to have to take.  Its my body and at the end of the day what I say goes in it is what we settle on.  So I haven't done my conscious breathing both in the morning and at night.  I havent do my meditation on the chakras, I haven't don't mobility stretching, I haven't had lemon water with chia seeds.  I just wake up take Laddie out and start scrolling.  We haven't even recieved the anti-psychotic yet.  I'm giving this about two weeks.  Or two weeks after I start the medication.  Then I'm going to try my routines again.  Maybe a little different because now I have to walk and train Laddie.  

With a new dog and plans to get a car, I'm starting to run short on money.  I've noticed we are very waistful in here.  The cats don't eat all their food and I just toss it out and fill it up again.  Same with their water.  The water is a little harder to deal with.  I put two bowls down for the cats and I use bottled water and sometimes stuff gets in it, so I have to change it.  But a lot of the times they are not drinking it and its a waste.  I notice when I shower I pump the bodywash about 5 or 6 times, when 3 or 4 is enough soap to wash my whole body.  Same with my hair conditioner.  I use about two handfuls when one covers my hair enough.  I have to send my dad $200 a month for the car, which I've kept in my budgeting after I buy the car as insurence and gas.  I have services like Amazon prime and Amazon fresh delivery.  It's about $20 a month but saves me tons on shipping.  I think I can cut the cost in the food department.  I think we are really wasting a lot of food and I could just stop buying it and save the money.  

I have this half cocked idea that after I get my Dads car I'll be able to be a better online reseller.  That I will make more money from reselling and things will stay stable.  What I'm really afraid of is becoming like my mom.  Wasting money and then being broke, so broke you cant even pay your bills and you have to start getting calls from the bill collectors.  Going back to looking for change to get what I want or need.  Only holding on to $5 dollars and worrying if my accounts are going to go in the negative.  Being stable on my meds did make me pay attention to my money a little better.  If I tried a service I payed  attention to how long I had to use it and what the cost was if I wanted to keep it.  I did fall for the instagram and facebook adds.  But I've learned those are  from the algorithms of my post, and not a coincidence. Like "oh I could use that, I was just writing about that a few days ago and here it is to help me deal with it".  I was falling for that. Buying things for hair regrowth and Army shirts.  Just wasting $50 to $100 a month.  

Since being off my routine I have nothing to do.  Thats why in my routines I have conscious breathing and meditation.  To deal with that I have a lot of free time and to stay calm and productive in it.  Its like having some control of your life or just letting life happen to you.  What it comes down to is the change in meds.  Fixing the akathisia and getting stable on my meds again is what I need to do. 

June 4, 2026

Good morning.  Thanks for taking the time to visit my website and for checking out my blog.  Well its been 7 weeks since I worked on my routines.  I manage bipolar and when its time to pay attention, I pay attention.  About 7 weeks ago I finally got my Doctors attention about having akathisia from the psych-meds.  I was also frustrated that 3 months of consistant workouts and mindfulness, was getting harder not easier.  I didn't know it then but my bipolar meds have side effects like being sleepy or drowsiness. I mean I new, but I wasn't experiencing anything like that.  Weight gain was also a side effect of the meds.  My workouts were not hard and I lost 10lbs in 3 months.  I was eating and counting my calories, making sure to be calorie deficient.  These two side effects where there but the akathisia was what was really bothering me.  My doctor started changing my medication and keeping me on high dosages of what ever she changed it to.  In 7 weeks I went through 5 antipsychotics. One she didn't even let me take she just changed it when I told her I had been on it before.  She she keeps looking for a psych-med that will help with mania and not have the horrible side effects.  What she is missing is 1. I've been diagnosed bipolar for over 20 years now.  I've tried a lot of meds and I don't need to go through them like that.  I know what works.  2. The medication (specifically the psych-med) has to be at a low dosage and the akathisia has to be treated.  NOT just change the med if I since somethings wrong with it.  I've used Chat GPT to write her twice trying to explain these things and she still keeps me on a higher dosage of anti-psychotics.  She's treating a manic episode I had 2 months ago, not the akathisia the anti-psychotic is causing.  I don't think she gets it. I have taken these pills before.  Its not about switching them its about lowering them.  

So I have one at a time removed the work I was doing to live a healthier lifestyle.  Instead I focus on getting out of bed, showering and brushing my teeth, feeding and taking care of my fur babies, simple things that I've become stable in doing.  One of the biggest things I have started doing is working a part-time job at Goodwill.  Making sure I go, and stay the whole shift.  Do the job right, don't just hide in the bathroom and take longer breaks.  Its been very important to me to have the extra money I make.  I don't want to mess up the little life that I've made in the last year and 6 months. Its been more stable then the last 45 years of my life.  I wonder what I need to do to get my psych-doctor to do things my way.  I'm hoping that the anitpsychotic she's put me on we stay on and we start getting stable lifestyle again.  Waking up and working out, meditation before bed.  Its like she wants to go through all these meds to see which is the right one, plus keep the med at a high dosage (which causes akathisia).  I'm like NO!  We are stopping here at Caplyta and staying on it for a few months.  I want to see if it makes me sleepy or cause weight gain, but most of all I want to see if I can manage mania and still stop the akathisia.  She doesn't seem concerned about the akathisia at all.  It's bothering me to the point where I looking for a new psych-doctor.  

My day with out my routines is really simple even boring.  I randomly do the extra things that were taking up my time before.  Only doing things when I want to do them.  I've been scrolling on social media ALOT more.  I check in with myself.  I pay attention to the fatique and weight gain the meds cause and try to figure out ways to live with them since there side effects of the medication I have to take to stay stable.  I can't drink my redbull anymore because it cost to much money.  I've only had my dog Laddie 3 weeks and I've spent over $300 trying to make this place liveable.  He can't be alone with the cats so I bought all new door handles and I put them all in there own rooms when I leave for work.  Laddie can still open the door, so I have to look them to keep him from opening them.  Dog food, cat food, and their treats cost a little bit, but the real money I'm spending is on making sure they eat healthy.  So I buy chicken thighs for Laddie, and tuna for Onyx and Chris.  I'm trying to get it under control so I can go back to giving my Dad money for his car.  He said a few more payments and I can have it.  Then I have to get over my fear of driving again.  Its been like 11 years since I driven.  I'm kinda scared of it especially freeways. I have a plan to drive the the valley and go shopping at the Goodwill bins for my online reselling.  Yesterday I sold like 3 things and the day before I sold something.  A few days ago I dropped off some packages that sold over the weekend.  I talk to the resellers that come into the Goodwill I work at and they say I'm doing it right.  Its starts slow and small and then it grows.  I'm hoping I get back on my routines and add online reselling then I'll be complete.  I'm learning from the Army and UNLV how to manage my time and do things I'm into.  Being really aware of my life and what I'm doing in it.  Growing and trying to be healthy and happy.  I get pretty negative the higher I go.  I stop figuring out the little things that keep the foundation stable and start complaining.  Then come the excuses.  I see my life peaceful, and calm, healthy and yes happy.  Some day I hope to get married again.  This time for real and I'll love someone and we'll do things together.  I told my family, they are the hardest part of my life to change.  They have their own memories of our lives together and to stay present and realize I've changed.  Well I've finally gotten to a place where I feel good about things.  So I guess thats all for now.  Thanks for reading and come back again.  Peace

June 9, 2026

I got so busy with my dog Laddie I had to stop blogging.  Laddie was changing my life so fast and so negative I had to give him back to the people who gave him to me.  I miss him but I could keep him.  He was costing me more money then I had.  It wasn't just money, he bit his last owner so I was a litter worried for not just my cats be me too.  So I have 3 days off from work and I'm trying to not just clean up my place I'm also hoping to start my routines again.  

Since April we have been changing my bipolar medication.  My psych-doctor troubles me.  She seems to think medication fixes everything.  She really keep try to give me medication. The nurse here had to tell her stop changing the medication and she didn't even listen to her. She's told me she doesn't know if I have akathisia but she's giving me med's for it.  I am just really unhappy with her.  It's like I can't get her to keep the medication the same and at low dosages. Its like every time we talk she has to do something about the meds she can't just leave them alone.  I did talk her into giving me the ones I want, but she put them at high dosages.  The side effects are making  confused and clumsy and tired and over weight.  But I'm going to tell NO the next we talk. I won't change meds I'll only change dosages and only down and mean it.  If she doesn't like it too bad.  If all she gets is a health report and that includes talking about side effects then thats enough.  I don't care if she doesn't feel like she not doing her job.  These medications are changing my life. I'm the one who has to take them so I decide what they are.  

I've started a facebook group.  It's called Beyond Bipolar.  It's about how to live with the disorder.  Making big moves and doing things you want to do. How do you not make bipolar the center of your life  and stay stable.  There are 6 people in it.  I'v been using chat gpt to write my facebook post and I have over 900 likes on one of them.  I think I'll keep posting with chat gpt  and grow my group. I wont use it for writing my blogs.  

I've felt a little under the weather the last few days.  I thought maybe it was side effects, but think it's more like the flu.  I have a covid test I keep meaning to take it.  I think Chris and Onyx are happier now.  I really didn't think it through when I got Laddie.  The experience made me realize I can't handle a car right now.  It will send me into dept.  I also am a little scared to drive again.  But I'm determined to try.  I want to think reselling will make up the difference, but I can't be sure of that.  My income right now does not cover a car.  I have to stop doing lots of things that make me happy to handle a car on my current income.  Well I jumped back in here so thanks for reading it and come back soon.